NOT JEALOUS, VLADIMIR! *Disclaimer: Dominique's secretary would like to point out that she is not sure anything has ever been proven regarding M. Giscard's alleged receipt of conflict diamonds from that Emperor Jean-Bedel "I'm pleased to eat you" Bokassa of the Central African Republic, who, while not torturing, murdering, and eating his subjects, was calling M. Giscard 'mon cher cousin'. She is also aware, however, that various sources state said receipt of blood diamonds as fact, and that M. Giscard has allegedly admitted it, but that under French law, it is illegal to insult presidents, and so advises everyone to merely call him a sac de merde under their breaths. Dominique would also like to state that if Dominique had been in charge of the 'Oui camp' instead of Messieurs Giscard, Chirac, and Raffarin, il n'y aurait pas de ce probleme terrible!
Zings to smile about:
1. Some amusing news concerning L'Ex himself, ze only living former French president. Now, I really shouldn't make ze fun, especially how Valery is one of ze few politicians in France who does not despise me (until now), but I don't return ze compliment, so let's start ze ridicule and contempt! Not content wiz having 2 miserable failures, his presidency and constitution, to his bought aristocratic name, it appears his latest little legacy is about to go up in smoke.
To summarize zis latest embarrassing flop, zis was dear Valery's misguided attempt at 'reinvigorating' ze Auvergne. L'Auvergne is one of ze poorest and deprived regions in peasantland and Valery zought to himself "What would help lift zis region out of poverty? Government funding for education? Relocation of industries? Housing developement? Anti-crime programs? Non, I like none of ze above; I will build ze big 'theme park' called Vulcania instead and make ze peasants pay for zis piece of merde! I will have no amusing theme-park style rides in it, no, it shall be full of education about volcanoes, and its main highlight will be a big massive artificial volcano! After all, it's not like ze Auvergne is actually already brimming wiz REAL volcanoes anyway! Ze tourists will all leave ze Disneyland and flock here!"
*tries unconvincingly to be sympazetic* *stops trying and smirks* Cher Valery, mon vieux! It goes to show how money cannot buy you everyzing. It certainly can buy you a fake nobility particule, an unmerited seat at ze Academie Francaise, and of course we can't forget ze blood diamonds*, can we, Valery? But it can't buy you intellectual competence.
2. We have news zat Mademoiselle Ingrid may still be alive after 3 years as a hostage in ze Columbian jungles. We are hoping zat negotiations will resume, and we reassure our Brazilian and American friends zat we do not plan to offer
3. Les grandes vacances! Am off to ze Russian dacha
4. Held a pre-vacation joint press conference about ze unemployment wiz Nicolas. Given zat we struggle to hold a conversation wiz each ozzer for more zan five minutes wizout curse words, we normally do not appear on ze same stage togezzer. However, I zought it was time zat ze people saw how my charisma dwarves (if you pardon ze pun) Nicolas's, not to mention see how nice my hair is wiz ze little curls (see picture below).
Zings to sulk about:
1. Ze locusts haven't gone yet. Ick. Last Friday, Jacques went out into ze gardens wiz a butterfly net in an attempt to catch some for his dinner. Sadly he did not catch a single one but continued valiantly brandishing ze butterfly net at ze locusts until he saw my beloved interior minister arriving for cabinet and decided to chase him wiz it instead. I've never seen Nicolas run so fast. Zat'll teach him to be late for my meetings.
2. Visited Tony. *sigh* Was asked by some silly reporter about Jacques's food-criticism stunt (tiens, give it a rest, zat wicked Russian president goaded him into saying it) and whether Tony had given me a nice lunch. I was tempted to say I'd rather have a dinner date wiz Emperor Bokassa, but you know, being a diplomat sometimes requires you to be tactful. I
Mon dieu, what is it wiz foreign leaders trying to ply me wiz alcohol?!
3. Ariel Sharon's visit to Paris. No, I did not make him pass zrough ze airport metal detector!
4.
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vlad_impaler, in his latest entry, appears to be under ze delusion zat I am jealous of Gerd. Have already listed ze myriad reasons why I am better zan Gerd, and zey are so obvious zat zey really don't need saying. Am so not jealous. Not at all. Not in ze least bit. It does not bother me zat given all of Gerd's obvious visual defects (and zat he's lousy in bed), Vladimir's past relationship wiz him can only be explained by 2 zings: 1. business 2. he actually likes Gerd's personality. It does not bother me zat Vladimir has already hinted it is not ze former and zerefore must be 2. Or, 3: Gerd is so desperate zat he really will do anyzing Vladimir wants and will agree to Vladimir's darker tastes, to which I am disinclined to acquiesce. I do not feel zreatened. Not at all. I am not jealous. Am not. Pas du tout. NOT jealously yours,
Dominique ♥ ♥ ♥
July 28 2005, 10:16:52 UTC 6 years ago
If there was really anything going on, would I defend you?
And here is a true apology - I know that my English is not fantastic, and in the modern world you know how one takes to studying the language from the *shudder* American point of view, so I had no notion until just now how the word ponce is used in (the more correct) British parlance - outrage! Who does Gerd think he is? I will have to have a word with him. *grinds teeth*You don't deserve that, Dominique, really, I know all those times I got angry with you, but nothing warrants that!I mean 'flawless democrat' was a little absurd, but attention-grabbing ponce... I think he needs to brush up on his English, or cut down on the pivo.And I didn't have to goad M. Chirac into saying anything. He, unlike you, apparently, actually tasted the food and didn't just opt for the wine. Once you've tried English cuisine, there's not much good in lying through your teeth about it (keep your mouth open too long and it's bound to come back up on you). Not that I have any delusions about the blandness and lack of creativity in Russian cuisine, but at least a) we learned from the French that if something is tasteless you just have to drown it in a good dose of mayonnaise, and b) we know that food is only used as a chaser to vodka.
Please tell me that I have no reason to be jealous of a former beauty-queen, highly intelligent, young former student of yours... that whole attempt to personally rescue her from her Colombian captors would have been what you would have done for any of your
highly attractive female underlingsdedicated subjectscitizens of la republique, nyet?*tries not to feel insecure*
July 28 2005, 17:54:08 UTC 6 years ago
all coy and shy
And you just look so cute when you're tipsy. See up there, all coy and shy. *melts*You like my new icon! Do you zink I am tipsy? Je ne le comprends pas! You've given me only 100 grams of zis 'vodka' so far and you've been drinking several glasses, yet it's me who's feeling dizzy and saying zings I shouldn't. No more, I zink.
About Gerd, je suis d'accord avec toi; normally I only get upset at ze semi-truthful insults, but zis was simply ridiculous. Pimp?! I can only guess zat he was confusing me wiz Jacques. And for ze record Jacques has not done anyzing like zat since we started ze sedatives in 2003. You know, I'm getting quite worried about people starting to confuse me wiz Jacques: I had to get rid of ze 'eeeevil' icon because Colin went round attributing some of Jacques's preferences to me. Spiteful, lying bastard. Seriously, I go no further wiz my staff zan simple verbal abuse (e.g. morons, nothings, collected bunch of incompetents, etc.). If I ever start behaving like Jacques, just kill me immediately.
you would have done for any of your dedicated subjects, nyet? *tries not to feel insecure*
Naturellement. Yes. Of course. Totally.
You're insecure? You're insecure? You have me here, wiz you, departing from traditional Quai-Elysee customs: somezing zat, and I say zis wiz all modesty, many politicians in ze world would kill for. You even have me submitting to your "conditions"! And I really must be tipsy ozzerwise I would not be admitting all zis (and tiens, I hope I don't remember it tomorrow), you have me worried about whether you actually like me or you're just using me for ze judo, etc, if I disappointed you when I refused ze birch and dungeons (you know...my hair)etc, if you'll turn to Gerd instead parce qu'il fasse n'importe quoi...
If there was really anything going on, would I defend you?
No, I suppose not. I know you are not having ze judo-al relations wiz him, but zat you did before alarms me. I know I am better zan Gerd in many many ways, but zat I don't know why you were wiz him once makes me fret. If it was reason 1, I would understand and not ask any more questions. But I know you do not agree wiz Quai culture, so it must be either 2. or 3, and I do not know which bothers me more, but tiens, 100 grams is far too much for me, no more, please, I'm rambling on far too much, please, Vladimir, please you must shut me up.
August 2 2005, 19:20:19 UTC 6 years ago
If you start behaving like Jacques...
...my KGB training and license to kill will come in handy. And I'm sorry to say, I will use it. It would be a pity to see you sedated.I'm rambling on far too much, please, Vladimir, please you must shut me up.
Done and done...
July 28 2005, 10:27:59 UTC 6 years ago
Also...
have a new photo I thought would cheer you up a bit.July 28 2005, 18:49:50 UTC 6 years ago
is zis a hint zat you want to do ze judo?
(OOC:How revealing...)You look very sweet. And I do need cheering up...tiens, all zese troubles: Jacques, Nicolas, Jacques, Tony, Jacques, Sharon, Jacques's popularity going down faster zan Tony on an Olympic judge, etc...I zought ze vodka was meant to make you happy and forget zings, but it seems to be having ze opposite effect.
August 2 2005, 19:34:58 UTC 6 years ago
Oh he's a lumberjack and he's okay...
Hmm, yes, I don't mind those photos. And thank you. Nothing cheers me up like a round of judo. Perhaps I'll give you another lesson, take your mind off all that stressJacquesthey're all giving you?August 2 2005, 23:34:33 UTC 6 years ago
I zink you use zis judo just to get me into bed...
(What on earth is up with this!)Mon dieu, you are right, Jacques is such a stress and he's horrid and he's wicked and he scares me and sometimes I zink it's a good zing he won't be in office for much longer and I must distance myself from him and I've clearly had far too much of zis drink si je dis vraiment ca! You must promise me zat if he gets "out of control" on his next state visit to Russia, zat you will not use your kontura licence-to-kill skills to hurt him. He really cannot help it. Promise me, Vladimir!
You want to have ze judo lesson to make me forget everyzing? Zat would indeed be a very good idea - if I didn't zink I was about to faint right now...
August 3 2005, 16:18:58 UTC 6 years ago
Using judo for good, not evil
(Somehow I wouldn't put that past the Russians. I really don't get it. *shakes head* Maybe it's why many of them still have little photos of Uncle Stalin around the house.)As long as you send the tranquilizer kit, he should be safe. And do warn me when he comes so I can nail up the vodka cases.
*strokes hair* Don't worry Dominique, everything will be okay. Perhaps we should get you a glass of real water... No hyperventilating please, we were only trained to kill in the KGB, not to resuscitation. (Who in God's name came up with English spelling?!?! Am very glad am native speaker...)
August 3 2005, 19:57:02 UTC 6 years ago
*breathes*
('Being able to look down on my shoulder and see the President there makes me feel safe'? Worrying, very worrying. Reminds me of how the peasants used to pray to pictures of the Tzar and his family. Let's hope it doesn't go to Vlad's head! He's arrogant enough already. He should try being more modest like Domi.)You're so kind to me.
Sometimes I wish I were your prime minister instead...I am not panicking or hyperventilating or worse or-yes, water would be nice. Or untying me would be nicer. Or going inside ze dacha would be nicest. It's cold, dark, and frightening out here.August 4 2005, 12:08:52 UTC 6 years ago
Re: *breathes*
(There are entire sociological Ph.D.s being written on that subject I'm sure! It's no joke about the peasants... And I think it's not that it's gone to Vlad's head, it was always there. It was expected!)I wish you were my Prime Minister, too.I've already untied you... you make it so unfun...August 13 2005, 14:25:24 UTC 6 years ago
Que t'veux?
(I can quite see him demanding that all his staff must get one too! Somehow I doubt Fradkov has one...)I really would love to be your prime minister...if I didn't know you'd probably have me poisoned in weeks...Je t'ai dit qu'il n'etait pas une bonne idee de me donner le vodka, de m'emmener au dehors quand il fait nuit, et puis de m'attacher.I make it ze unfun? Is it my fault zat 100 g makes me nearly pass out?